God Was Working on Me While I Was Just Trying to Get Through the Day
Last year was hard. And when I say hard, I don't mean the kind of hard where you just need a bubble bath and a good night's sleep. Although, let's be honest, a good night's sleep wouldn't have hurt.
I'm talking about the kind of hard where you're trying to keep up with work, keep the house clean, be the best mama you can be, plan for your future, worry about your daughter's future, and somehow remember that you're a human being who also needs taking care of.
You know, just a few little things. Nothing dramatic. Except I'm dramatic. So naturally, everything felt dramatic.
I felt like I was being pulled in a hundred different directions. Like a broken vase being held together with tape. And not even the good tape. We're talking whatever tape I could find in the junk drawer, hoping nobody bumped into me because the whole thing might fall apart.
That was me. Trying to hold everything together while quietly feeling like I was falling apart.
Where Is This Village Everyone Keeps Talking About?
You always hear that saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Okay, but where do I apply for this village?
Is there a waiting list? A membership fee? Do they have an app? Because I could've used some help.
The house needed cleaning. Work needed my attention. My daughter needed me. And somewhere in the middle of all that, I had convinced myself I wasn't doing enough. Not enough for myself. Not enough for my future. Not enough for my daughter's future.
The funny thing is, I was doing so much that I barely had time to sit down and recognize it.
But instead of giving myself grace, I started looking around at everyone else. I focused on the support I wanted, the help I thought I needed, and everything I felt was missing from my relationships.
Before I knew it, I was carrying something heavier than the laundry basket: resentment.
That's an uncomfortable word to admit, isn't it? Especially when we're talking about people we love. But this blog isn't called Courtney Has It All Figured Out. Thank goodness, because that would be a very short blog.
The Loneliness Nobody Talks About
I felt alone. Man, that word. Alone.
You can have people in your life, be surrounded by love, have a beautiful daughter who fills your heart, and still feel lonely. It's a strange kind of loneliness.
Looking back, I think there were a lot of things contributing to how I felt: hormones that seemed to have their own agenda, exhaustion, the pressure I put on myself, and expectations I'd built about what relationships and motherhood were supposed to look like.
Expectations based on other people's experiences. And, of course, social media.
Because nothing says “realistic expectations” like a thirty-second video of somebody's perfectly clean kitchen, matching family outfits, and homemade organic snacks. Meanwhile, I'm just trying to figure out what we're eating for dinner. Again.
I was so focused on what I thought I wasn't getting from other people that I wasn't always seeing what I already had. That doesn't mean my need for support wasn't real. It was. But I was learning that other people couldn't be responsible for filling every empty place in my heart.
My Car Is My Prayer Closet
Eventually, I got tired. Not just physically tired. Tired of feeling the way I felt. Tired of the resentment, the expectations, the worrying, the sense that I was never doing enough.
And one night, I was driving.
Some people have beautiful prayer rooms in their homes, with a cozy chair, a Bible, a journal, and a perfectly placed candle. Me? My car is my prayer closet.
No fancy setup required. Just me, Jesus, and probably a gas tank that's lower than it should be.
That night, I was praying. Really praying. And then “Flowers” by Christian singer-songwriter Samantha Ebert came on.
I believe God used that moment to speak directly to my heart. Suddenly, something clicked.
Not just on the mountaintops. Not only when the sun is shining and everything is going according to plan. Even in the low places. Even in the hard seasons. Even when life feels messy and uncertain.
Flowers still grow. And so was I.
He Was Watering Me the Whole Time
I'd spent so much time wondering why I wasn't where I thought I should be. Why I hadn't figured everything out. Why the adjustment was taking so long. Why I still felt like that broken vase being held together with tape.
But what I couldn't see in the middle of it was that God was working on me. Even then. Especially then.
I was still growing in my lowest moment. He was watering me.
Here I was thinking I was falling behind, when God was teaching me to slow down and trust His timing. I was feeling alone, when His love had never left me. I was focusing on what I needed from everyone else, when He was teaching me about forgiveness, grace, and where to place my hope.
God's timing doesn't always look like the timeline we create in our heads. And thank goodness for that. If God handed me everything according to my own plans, I'm pretty sure I'd make a mess of the schedule. I can barely keep track of the appointments already on my calendar.
Learning to See the Blessings Again
One thing Jesus continues to teach me is to look for the blessings. Because they're there.
Even on the days when the house is a wreck, when I'm exhausted, when my emotions are all over the place, or when life looks nothing like the picture I had in my head.
The greatest blessing of all? Being her mama. My sweet girl. The little person who fills my heart with more love than I ever knew it could hold.
Motherhood wasn't the thing breaking me. It was a beautiful blessing unfolding during a season when I was also learning, changing, struggling, and growing.
I can be blessed and still have hard days. I can love my life and still need support. I can be grateful and still be growing. I can forgive others, release expectations, and give myself grace along the way.
Flowers Grow in the Valley
I still have tough days. I'm still figuring things out. The house still gets messy. The laundry still multiplies. And I'm sure there will be days when I feel like that taped-together vase again.
But now, when those days come, I'm trying to remember how much I've grown — not just how far I still have to go.
Sometimes growth is choosing forgiveness instead of resentment. Sometimes it's noticing a blessing you would've overlooked before. Sometimes it's asking for help. And sometimes it's sitting in your car, talking to Jesus, when a song comes on and reminds you that you were never alone.
So if you're in a valley right now, mama, I hope you remember: you don't have to bloom on anybody else's timeline.
Flowers grow in the valley. Sometimes we don't realize how much we've grown until we look back.
Grace upon Grace. 🌸
With love,
Courtney
Somewhere Between Mom & Me